Settling back into New York… State


This time, unplanned

Almost two years ago I started this blog when filled with the motivation and excitement that came with one new beginning. It was in the week I applied / was accepted into my M.A. program in London. An opportunity I couldn’t wait to begin. One I knew I needed to take seriously. When the time came to fight for it, I fought very hard against the walls meant to keep me from my goals. 

Fact: I know how hard I fought. I’m left with little regret.

However, with this new-new beginning I realize life feels more like a board game, more like Monopoly than what this young adult always imagined of ‘real life.’ With each turn around the board there is a higher risk.  The player must use better strategy to save funds and face. If you land in the wrong spot, you can lose everything. It’s easy to see how you’re made to rethink the old mantra of growing up to excel – ‘work hard and you will achieve your dreams.’ Makes you realize they are missing a key point – you can want all you want, and work so hard your chest hurts, but the timing of your goals is probably in another’s hands.

And in life, timing is everything.

So, with vengeance, I’ve moved back into my old bedroom in my parent’s home. I’ve cleared out old junk from my past life and replaced it with the scraps I saved from my London life. A fresh space void of evidence from my childhood and awkward teen years.

It’s a new-new beginning. And I’m not taking this lightly. 

Home one week and I’ve been lucky enough to find a job as a gallery manager and fundraising assistant. In terms of strategy for my next play around the board I’m feeling confident. Doubt of my general employability caused by the UK’s belittling new application process has been restored. Salary – achieved. A way to prove myself – check. Having a purpose – found. While I’m afraid to look beyond the summer, the next three months ask for optimism. Gallery openings, theater workshops, art classes, taking the steps to give back to the community that raised me, topped off with building my practical skills working in a office in a leadership position. All in the sunlight, with spare hours on the lake. Which is not a bad outlook for sitting on ‘Go‘ with play money in my pocket. 

NOW: In terms of my writing, this also means new things. (Excited face!) My book will be put on the back burner for the summer. For the next several sunny months, I will be focused on a new project. A cumulation of themes from the last couple years of my life. A struggle in dealing with realism, life-writing, but what I see as a required release. With a goal of 40,000 words, I intend to free-write until reaching the logical ending. 2,000 words a day. Pulling myself back into the functional version of myself that has been lost over the last several months. For the first time in my life my hard work did not pull me to desired results and, in fact, the results asked me to surrender much of what I’d gained. I am young. I accept this will happen again. But I do not want to lose this experience by labeling with it failure. I intend for this novel to address those issues. 

To finish, the opening statement of my very first post, almost two years to the day, (16 April, 2011):

Sometimes the beginning of something is obvious.Sometimes, it’s not.Sometimes you wake up and realize you are in the middle of a story that you never saw coming. Whether influenced by the lives around you, your own chosen path, a path that perfectly merges with your own, or even a sad moment of surrender, the plot is always shifting and building towards a climax.

Here we go again. Another beginning…  xx, Kristin

#gaming #health #mentalhealth #quotes

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